When Insomnia Attacks
by imaniiebee
Summary: CAUTION: The fanfic you are about to enter is the product of five days of no sleep and the finally getting in a good three hours. Rated T for mild language. You've been warned. Crack. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: I own everything and that's why I'm so filthy rich. Oh what? I don't own anything and I'm actually dirt poor? DAMN IT! Everything vaguely related to Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. I don't make ANNNYYY money off of this so please, don't sue me.**

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><p>"Alright Harry," Molly Weasley said, sporting her patented "I just love all small children smile. "Just toss that floo powder right on to the fire, step in and yell out 'Diagon Alley' real loud and clear, okay? It'll take you right there!"<p>

Harry nodded shyly, and, tripping over his ratty, dress-like hand-me-downs, stumbled into the fireplace. He did as Molly instructed and mumbled out, "diagonalley!" disappearing in a forest green flash.

The remaining Weasleys looked around at each other, confused.

"What did he say?"

Meanwhile, Harry had just somersaulted out of a strange, dusty hearth. He picked himself up (by his own bootstraps, since the Dursleys were Republicans)(1) and started to look around.

The room was grey and bleak, and filled to the brim with creepy skulls, growling books with all types of mysterious titles and other crazy things of the sort. But Harry didn't notice any of that.

His eyes, and subsequently his body, were drawn to a grisly, dried, pickled old hand sitting peacefully on a black satin pillow. He reached out as if to touch it, his mind curiously fogged over with only the intense desire to touch the hand on the forefront of his consciousness.

But, before he could, a thick, putrid green smoke began to leak out of the hand, reaching up towards Harry. Harry snatched his own hand away, shaking the fog from his mind. He backed away from artifact, 'cause that smoke was just not on, and sprinted full steam for the door, deciding it was high time to get the hell outta there and find the Weasleys.

Lucius Malfoy came out from his hiding, ahem, spying place behind the great big cabinet scowling. How had a twelve year old just thrown off his Imperio? He must have been getting rusty. Harry Potter, by gaining back his senses, had effectively just ruined his plans.

For that Hand of Glory, along with many other creepy old artifacts, once touched by and innocent child would possess them. It would turn them into evil little gremlins who ran around smashing things and generally creating chaos in order to make way for the coming of the Goddess.

Lucius sighed. He supposed he could just make Draco touch it, he didn't really like the brat anyways. Shaking his head at how he could possibly spawn such an awful little idiot and finally pinning the blame on Narcissa's Black genes, he Disapparated back to the Manor.

oOoOoOo

Lucius sat on top of the brick wall in his backyard, gleefully- I mean maliciously- drumming his fingers in anticipation. Peering into the window to his study, he chuckled as he saw Draco streaked in war paint, chasing the house elves with priceless vases raised high above his head. Occasionally he would emit a shrill war cry and hurl a bust at a wall, before resuming his hunt.

He couldn't bring himself to care about he priceless family memorabilia being callously destroyed by his spawn. The air was growing thicker by the minute, so he knew his Goddess was soon to appear.

Soon, his life mission would be laid out before him, and he would gladly receive them.

He moved to sit crisscross applesauce, and started to play Cat's Cradle to pass the time. Almost immediately, as if to protest his girly chosen pastime, a fierce wind rushed by, ripping his hair ribbon (NO! Not a ribbon! It's a hair tie! A manly, masculine tie!) right off his head. Thunder clapped, and Lightning flashed(2) and, in a burst of pinkish purple light, the Goddess appeared.

She was tall and lean, with gorgeous glowing mahogany brown skin. She had an amass of wild curls on the top of Her head, with and blood red headband just barely holding it back. She wore a long black and white striped dress that came down to Her bare feet, adorned with toes that matched Her headband. Her nails mirrored the night sky, black with glitter that moved in the form of constellations(3).

Lucius' jaw dropped open. "G-g-g-goddess! Y-y-you're a woman!" The Goddess rolled Her eyes. Of course She was, what did he think Goddess meant? Idiot. She opened Her mouth to speak, but the Lucius just kept going.

"A-a-and... You're black!" He stuttered out. The Goddess rolled Her eyes again. She had to go through this every single time! "Yes, stupid mortal," She started, "This is the truth that you speak. I am black. Father left me out in the sun for far too long once. Hence, I proceeded to create a country, Africa, in my fashion. But I digress. Why have you awoken me from my slumber?"

The Goddess hadn't actually been asleep. In fact, Loki and Aphrodite had just started off their annual month-long party, and the Goddess hadn't been to sleep for five days. But the mortals didn't need to know that.

Lucius, finally remembering himself, fell to the ground, (after gracefully climbing down from the wall of course) bowing to the Goddess. "I call upon you, all mighty Goddess, to bestow upon my my Inheritance. I am aware of my destiny as the Chosen One, fated to rule all worlds. I beseech you for the powers and resources i need to fulfill my quest. I see that you have sent, erm, less... worthy... to try and complete my quest, like Merlin, Grindewald, Dumbeldore and V-vo-vol... oh You-Know-Who. They failed but I shall not! The World will bow to Lucius Abraxas Peter Cornelius Sally-Anne Malfoy! I will be the richest, powerfullest, handsomest, most yummiest ruler in the history of rich, powerful, handsome, yummy rulers! I will..."

The Goddess, having crossed her arms several times and checked her watch twice during this speech had had enough.

"LUSCIOUS ABRASSNUTS MOUTHFUL! SHUT UP! Zeus, you sure are a talker... I thought you'd run outta air but damn kid... you just kept going! Did you really think you could whore your tired old shit to me? I'm the Goddess. I chooses the Chosen One! ME! And I chooses... Luna Lovegood! Her and her Snufflegumps shall rule the world."

And with that final thought, the Goddess round off-back handspring-triple flipped out, leaving a gob-smacked Lucius Malfoy standing in his backyard.

Luna popped in, threw a handful of Dirigible plums and blew a raspberry before following in the Goddess' fashion out.

Lucius fainted.

Manly-like.

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><p><strong>AN: This is a crazy dream I had last night during my three hours of sleep. I wrote it down almost exactly as it happened in my deranged subconcious so if it makes little to no sense, blame it. **

**1: By Republicans, I meant of the American sort. Yes, I know this was made in England. No I don't care. But anyways, my dad always says the Republicans want everyone to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, never mind the fact that that's physically impossible. Go on. Try it. Welcome back! Didn't work did it? So anyways, I just put that for my daddy, even though he'll never read this. Love you daddy!**

**2: In my head, Thunder and Lightning are two gods. Thunder claps irreguarly, and Lightning is so pale that when he flashes people it's like a burst of light.**

**3: Yes, the Goddess is an admittedly stylized version of me. My hair is nappy, not curly LOL. But i'd love it to be. And those are the real colors of my fingers and toes, since I know all six of you were wondering.**

**SOOOOO YA! Hope you enjoyed it. Or at least didn't claw your eyes out in confuséd agony. Review! If only to recommend me to a good asylum... the last three were crap. TOODLES!**

**~imaniiebee**


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